


Welcome to the Cryptonomica

by Mister_Upside



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Amnesty Challenge, Gen, TAZ Amnesty, TAZ Big Bang 2018, The Adventure Bang 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 17:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16581251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Upside/pseuds/Mister_Upside
Summary: "Welcome to the Cryptonomica! I am Ned Chicane,  humble curator of this museum of the macabre! Be warned: what awaits you beyond this point will upturn what you know to be "normal." Also, some exhibits have been known to bite, so be sure not to touch the glass – OH GOD YOU TOUCHED THE GLASS!"





	Welcome to the Cryptonomica

 

  **THE ADVENTURE ZONE: AMNESTY**

"WELCOME TO THE CRYPTONOMICA" 

Written by TOM UPSIDE

Edited by SARAH

 

 

** REGULAR CAST  **

**AUBREY LITTLE -** Female, early-20s, 5'4". An amateur magician who happens to have actual magical powers. Black hair with a side-buzz and a streak of red dye, styled in a way that it looks like she has normal hair when she flips it over hinting that she's someone with hidden depths. Wardrobe straddles the Punk and Rockabilly aesthetics, with white fire-starter gloves and bad-ass denim jacket with a Pine Guard patch is stitched to it. A whimsical, optimistic sort.

 **DUCK NEWTON -** Male, early 40s, 5'10". Park ranger. A Pine Guard patch is stitched inside his wallet, which is often concealed. Tall with a "dad bod," he has a down-to-earth, mild-mannered charm that you would expect from someone from West Virginia. Carries a magical sword which curls into a spiral scabbard when sheathed.

 **NED CHICANE -** Male, late 40s, 6'1". Resembles a heaftier Brian Blessed. "Curator" of the Cryptonomica, he's a grifter among grifters - big and boisterous, filling every room he enters with his cult of personality. Hair is kempt when "on the clock" but disheveled when not; his beard is wild and rarely tamable. Favors a plaid suit jacket - indicating a man with a checkered past - with a Pine Guard patch stitched on the inside, and solid pants.

 **GUEST CAST THE TOURIST** \- The protagonist of the story. Our story is FPV through their eyes, giving the audience the feeling that they're the ones experiencing the events.

 **BARCLAY** \- Male, late-30s. Second-in-command of the Pine Guard. Tall, lanky; carrot-orange hair and beard, he resembles a lumberjack or a local craft brewer. Favors comfortable plaid shirts and jeans, and a faded huntsman coat with an equally-faded Pine Guard patch stitched to the inside. Friendly sort, but easily exasperated.

 

** LOCATIONS  **

(Layout Guidelines)

 **THE CRYPTONOMICA -** An old, rustic, single-story ski lodge that's been re-purposed into a tourist trap for seekers of the macabre, that sits just on the edge of the woods lining a scenic river. Its exterior is run down with minimal repairs, with a giant sign in the front with the store's logo with a "spooky" font that was clearly stolen from the Internet. The inside looks like a large log cabin that was gradually infected by a knock-off Ripley's Believe It or Not museum. The entrance and front desk of the "museum" is clearly devoted to blatant merchandising.

 **THE CRYPTONOMICA TROPHY AREA -** The section of the Crytonomica devoted to the "exhibits." This area is crammed with all things paranormal and macabre: bookshelves, tables, and glass-cases display gaudy trophies, tomes, terrifying cryptids, and "exotic artifacts" - some which look legitimate; others, freakish taxidermy amalgams; one or two TAZ: Balance items for flavor; the rest, clearly-repainted Halloween props; and all with a price tag. Everything about this place says two things: "I'm here to con you out of your money in the most cheaply gratuitous ways possible" and "I have no idea what I'm doing."

 

**BLACK SCREEN**

We open to a black screen. Sound of car pulling up a gravel driveway and parking, then car door opening and closing.

CUT TO:

**EXT. CRYPTONOMICA - DAY**

We open to the gravel parking lot in front of the Cryptonomica. It's a bright and cloudless day, with birds chirping pleasantly off-screen. An ominous, busted-up, black car (Note: Ned's 1958 Lincoln Continental Mark III) is the only other vehicle in the lot.

TOURIST emerges from their car and begins walking towards the front entrance, taking in the sights around them . . .

The entrance is unsettling and littered with torn-off eviction notices and decorated with various stickers - 'Keep Kepler Weird', 'Cryptids Welcome', and the Pine Guard patch. The mail box next to the door is stuffed with letters mostly bills and 'Past Due' notices . . .

A doorbell jingles as TOURIST walks through the door . . .

**INT. CRYPTONOMICA - CONTINUE**

TOURIST enters the Cryptonomia. At the front register is NED CHICANE. Disheveled like he's only just survived an all-night bender, he's slumped back in his chair and snoring. Empty RC Cola cans are littered around him. A large gun dangles ominously from his shoulder holster.

The jingle of the door closing stirs NED begrudgingly awake. Seeing TOURIST at his entrance though - 'Egads! A customer!' - NED darts down behind the counter

-and emerges from the other side like he just came out of a magical human permanent press invented by Don Draper, ready to impress! He is in full Carnival Barker Mode, and welcomes TOURIST with dynamic flourish!

**NED**

(bombastic)

Welcome, daring explorer! Welcome to the Cryptonomica! I am Ned Chicane, humble curator of this museum of the macabre!

 

NED pulls a small radio remote from his suit pocket and attempts to start some mood music ...

Then tries again ...

Then fervently tries ...

Then cuts out the bullshit and chucks the remote at the radio off-screen with a hard smack! The radio begrudgingly starts playing creepy atmospheric music . . .

 

 **NED** (cont'd)

(voice lowers into ominously tones)

What you know of the "world" is a mere facade. A cheap pantomime against a silk veneer.

(gestures dramatically towards the window)

Even here, in this sleepy town of Kepler, West Virginia, there lurks creatures so nightmarish that even the Boogie Man checks for them under his bed.

(leans in and confides in whispers)

I should know, for I have glimpsed it for myself; and believe me when I say that what you are about to see are just the shadows of what haunt our periphery . . .

 

NED pulls back and motions for TOURIST to follow him.

 **NED** (cont'd)

(dynamic)

So follow me if you dare!

(undertones of dread)

Be warned though: What awaits you beyond this point will forever upturn what you know to be "normal"!

(breaks character, matter-of-factly)

Also, if you have a medical condition, I am legally obliged to warn you that some of these exhibits may have trace amounts of asbestos and have also been known to induce seizures, so if you have epilepsy, I'm going to need you to sign a waiver . . . No? Good! On we go!

 

**INT. CRYPTONOMICA TROPHY AREA - CONTINUE**

NED guides TOURIST proudly through the labyrinth of exhibits. . .

 

**NED**

(boastfully gesturing at the displays a she guides TOURIST around)

Nowhere will you find a more complete collection of the bizarre and arcane than here at the Cryptonomica! Artifacts culled from catacombs whose names were forgotten long before Man could write! Tomes salvaged from the ruins of the Library of   greater! Terrible beasts from Kalamazoo to Timbuktu, and even from here in Kepler! None of which I could possibly bear to part with ...

(off-handedly)

But, if you’re so inclined to make an offer ...   

 TOURIST picks up and examines one of the "ancient tomes" . ..

**NED (cont'd)**

(to TOURIST)

Ah! That book you’re holding there is said to be an original copy of the Grimoire Verum, which dates to when Gutenberg was still using calligraphy ...

 

. . . which, upon closer inspection, is a D&D Monster Manual in a Barnes & Noble leather cover.

 

**NED (cont'd)**

(coughing, deftly takes the book away and puts it back before it can be investigated further)

And is , of course, extremely delicate ...

 

NED deftly returns the book to the shelf, then motions to a glass case with a large, generic medieval shield - made of wood and cheap paint, and whose price tag has been marked down at least three times . . .

**NED (cont'd)**

(gesturing)

Over here you’ll see Pridwen, the shield of King Arthur - said to be indestructible against metal and magics, and all manner of monsters! A truly invaluable artifact!

 

NED gestures above as he leads TOURIST past a hanging display of taxidermy squirrels with bat wings protruding from their shoulders - dusty and old, the glue holding the wings on several of them is so warped and softened that they're barely hanging on anymore . . .

**NED (cont'd)**

(gesturing)

To your left, examples of the German species of cryptid -

(terrible German pronunciation)

-die-fleder-eich-hornchen, which are known to migrate to Kepler once every five years.

(ominous)

These ones here? Were found roughly four-and-a-half years ago!

(spooky noises)

 

NED eagerly rushes TOURIST to the next display: large trophy case of a "Sasquatch hide" - clearly a mannequin dressed in a mangy and muddy Wookie costume. The display reads: 'Kepler's Latest Immigrant!' A small television screen plays on loop a smart phone video of Bigfoot fighting a gigantic bobcat made of what looks like living oil.

**NED (cont'd)**

(extremely giddy)

Our next display is of our latest and certainly most famous immigrant to Kepler: Bigfoot! Witnessed by none other than yours truly!

(breaks character, barely able to contain pride)

And oh buddy, was it ever a sight to see!

(coughing, resumes character)

There is some ... speculation as to whether this is the actual Bigfoot or one of his estranged Sasquatch cousins, like this rare Desert Sasquatch here, which is said to have been shot in the deserts of Tunisia in 1976.

 

NED leads TOURIST to the next exhibit: a small glass case adorned with various signs warning how "dangerous" it is. Inside, resting on what looks to be cheap floral table cloth, is a hideously terrifying opera mask. Looking to be of Japanese origin, the mask is weathered and faded, and its eyes are closed, as if waiting impatiently.

**NED (cont'd)**

And here is the museum's latest acquisition! This is a Gigaku - a type of mask used in operas in ancient Japan. Discovered during an excavation of an ancient Shinto shrine, writings discovered at the site identified this particular Gigaku as once being part of the Menreiki, a collection of masks said to be possessed by a Yokai - ancient and deadly spirits known to occupy objects and bring them to life. The writings said that the Yokai possessing this Gigaku was known to imbue its wearer with great powers ...

(spooky voice)

But at the price of their souls!

(leans in, confiding)

Though I wouldn't recommend it, the writings said that it can be awoken by reciting the magic words . . .

(bellowing)

Klatu ... Verada ... Nichto!

(beat)

(chuckling to himself)

Just a little curator humor there ...

 

The eyes on the Gigaku mask snap open, pulsating with blue energy as it springs to life! Bearing piranha-like teeth, it screams in unholy glee and lunges with a crash through the glass case at TOURIST . . . and everything goes BLACK.

 

**BLACK SCREEN:**

 

TOURIST is possessed by GIGAKU, and we get flashes of consciousness as we see ...

MONTAGE

  1. NED being chased through his store ...
  2. NED hiding behind his counter, desperately calling for someone on his phone and flinging items impotently at TOURIST, who clamors over the desk to get at him . . .
  3. NED bracing the door to the back room, which TOURIST is attempting to bash through. One . . . two . . . THREE lunges, and the door is knocked off its hinges and right on top of NED! He is in serious trouble now . . .
  4. NED, pinned under the door and screaming, and about to be overtaken by TOURIST . . . when a doorbell jingle and a mighty battle cry from off-screen calls their attention! TOURIST spins around just in time to see DUCK NEWTON charging towards them with his magical sword BEACON drawn back and slashing forward - and, again, everything goes BLACK.



END MONTAGE

FADE IN:

**INT. CRYPTONOMICA**

TOURIST gradually regains consciousness. No longer possessed by GIGAKU, they lay on the ground on the other end of the museum, which is now in complete disarray!

Ahead, GIGAKU is now affixed to the Sasquatch display, and is attacking DUCK with impossible feats of dexterity and strength, who is fighting back all the elegance of a wrecking machine. NED, meanwhile, is fervently tearing through his shelves in search of a particular book which he cannot find! Over the tumult, both men are in the middle of a loud bickering session with one.

 

**NED**

(continuing conversation)

It was from 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'! How was I supposed to know it would do anything?

DUCK

(distracted as he presses the offensive against GIGAKU)

That's super-great, Ned! Kind of trying to save your shop right now!

 

**NED**

(insistent)

Museum!

 

**DUCK**

(busy fighting)

Not the time, Ned!

 

DUCK swipes at GIGAKU, which blocks each assault with a successive barrage of randomly-grabbed "artifacts."

 

**DUCK (cont'd)**

(while fighting)

Not do be rude, but if you want to jump in and help out at all, that'd be super-appreciated!

 

GIGAKU snags Pridwen and brings it up in time to block DUCK's blow . . . which it does, to DUCK's absolute surprise! DUCK can't believe that NED actually has a real magical item!

**NED**

(frustrated, darting to the next bookshelf)

Hang on! There's a book that came with this thing! There might be something in there on how we can stop it!

(under his breath)

Now if I could only remember where I put it ...

 

DUCK has the opportunity to end this, and slashes down on GIGAKU, knocking aside the shield and burying the sword deep inside its Sasquatch body . . .

Which, unfortunately, has absolutely no effect!

**DUCK**

(totally boned)

Holy shit!

 

With DUCK momentarily distracted, GIGAKU knocks his sword out of his hand, sending it flying -

\- landing right next to TOURIST with a clatter!, its mouth etching facing towards TOURIST. The mouth on the sword animates and begins to speak . . .

 

**BEACON**

(to DUCK, monotone and balanced enunciation)

This is no time for idle banter, Duck Newton . . .

 

GIGAKU snags DUCK by the throat and begins pounding him into the ground like a cartoon character -

 

**BEACON (cont'd)**

In case you have not noticed, you are not faring well with this particular foe . . .

 

\- then flings him high off-screen!

 

**BEACON (cont'd)**

And this continuous chatter will only serve to distract you.

 

NED lands next to BEACON with a hard thud.

 

**DUCK**

(grimacing, to BEACON)

You know, that's mighty funny coming from a sword that never shuts up.

 

DUCK picks up BEACON and darts off-screen.

Ahead, NED darts off-screen to the next bookshelf, just as AUBREY runs into the shop the shop, the doorbell jingle announcing her arrival . . .

 

**AUBREY**

I got here as soon as I ohmygawd!

 

Not wasting a minute, she begins flinging fire attacks at GIGAKU - dodging and rolling with flourish and making random sound-effects as the two evade each other's assaults.

DUCK leaps in from off-screen with a downward swipe of his sword, but fails to catch GIGAKU off-guard.

 

He and AUBREY continue their attack in tandem - fire and steel flashing furiously, but dodged and blocked harmlessly by GIGAKU and its shield - TOURIST dodging and weaving around the stray blasts and debris! Gradually, bits of the shop begin to catch fire from all the near-misses . . .

 

Finally, AUBREY gets in a successful fire blast, engulfing GIGAKU's body in flames -

\- which has absolutely no effect, except for making it an unstoppable flaming monster of doom!

 

**AUBREY**

(rising panic, through attacks)

Guys, I think we can rule out fire as a weakness! Any other ideas?

 

**NED (O.S.)**

Eureka!

 

NED emerges triumphantly on-screen with an innocuously smallbooklet in hand!

**NED**

(gesturing to book)

I think I found it!

(flipping through the pages)

"The Yokai is a malevolent" blah blah . . . "Known to possess" yaddahyaddah . . .

(excited)

Oo! It says that splashing it with water ...

Sprinkler systems spring on, soaking GIGAKU and everyone. GIGAKU freezes dramatically . . . then screams in rage!

 

**NED (cont'd)**

(deadpan)

. . . Only pisses it off.

 

GIGAKU resumes attacking with renewed fury. AUBREY and DUCK are completely on the defensive now - even combined, they're no match! NED desperately scans through the book . . .

 

**NED**

(finding the entry he needs)

Here! It says that the best way to stop this Yokai is to stab or impale it with lead!

 

**DUCK**

(panting as he and AUBREY brace themselves)

That's great, Ned. I suppose you wouldn't happen to have a random spear laying around or –

 

NED whips out his gun and expertly shoots GIGAKU in the center of the head.

GIGAKU goes rigid . . . then trembles . . .

Then screams in anguish as magical energy begins pouring from the bullet wound . . .

And explodes in a ball of blue fury, blowing everyone back and out of the store!

 

**EXT. CRYPTONOMICA - CONTINUE**

Everyone is blasted outside, including GIGAKU. TOURIST is on the ground, vision fuzzy at first but regains clarity quickly. Ahead, NED, AUBREY, and DUCK help one another to their feet.

**AUBREY**

(to NED)

You mean you could've just shot this thing the whole time?!

 

**NED**

In my defense, when has that ever worked for us?

 

**AUBREY**

(beat)

. . . Yeah, that's fair.

 

They approach the remains of GIGAKU, which seems to be inert and lifeless.

**AUBREY**

Did we get it?

NED empties revolver into GIGAKU.

 

**AUBREY**

(beat)

(snarky)

. . . But are you sure we got it?

 

**DUCK**

Heh. Yeah, I think we got it. Good job back there, team.

 

**NED**

(despondent, noticing the damage to his shop)

My shop!

 

TOURIST looks over towards the gigantic hole in the front of the Cryptonomica. What "artifacts" littering the lot that weren't outright destroyed are scorched and water-logged beyond salvaging.

 

**AUBREY**

(correcting NED)

"Museum."

 

**NED**

The fuck ever, Aubrey! I can't afford to fix all of this! I'm homeless! Destitute! Ruined!

 

**DUCK**

(looking off-screen; to NED)

Yeah, I think you have bigger things to worry about now . . .

 

Just as he says that, a battered pick-up truck screeches to a halt in the parking lot! Out emerges a very panicked BARCLAY. He takes a second to assess the devastation . . .

 

**BARCLAY**

(exasperated, to self)

Oh, Mama's gonna be pissed when she hears about this.

 

Slams the truck door and heads towards the group. . .

 

**BARCLAY (cont'd)**

(to group, while walking, rising worry)

Ned, this looks more like "a little trouble" going on at The 'Con! What happened? Is everyone alright?

(to Ned, reflexive)

Ned, what did you do?

 

**NED**

(incensed)

Me?! What makes you think I did any of this?!

 

**BARCLAY**

(regaining calm)

No, you're right. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'm sure there's a perfectly good non-Ned-centric reason why you three look like you took on a whole bucking bronco and half the front of the Earth blown to Hell. So, anyone care to tell me what happened?

 

**NED**

(beat)

(sheepishly)

I bought a demon and it possessed my Wookee costume and tried to kill us.

 

BARCLAY closes his eyes and does everything to maintain his tepid sense of composure ...

 

**DUCK**

(steps between the two, diplomatic)

Barclay, it's not all Ned's fault. Turns out this "Yokai" - or whatever you called it, Ned? - was the real deal after all, and it picked today of all days to get fidgety.

(finding the humor of it)

Chalk it up to another case of eBay mis-advertising.

 

**AUBREY**

(awe-and-mystery voice)

Authentic ancient monstrosity masquerading as cheap junk: The perfect disguise!

 

BARCLAY takes a deep breath . . .

 

**BARCLAY**

Well, it looks like you guys took care of whatever-it-was that caused problems. And it doesn't look like anything of importance was lost ...

 

**NED**

(incensed)

"Nothing of importance?!" What about my shop!?

 

**BARCLAY**

(as if calming a child)

We're going to clean your shop, Ned! Plus, you have insurance. Hell, you might actually come out ahead at the end of all of this!

 

NED is about to protest ... but considers that BARCLAY might be right. Looking over his devastated shop, he stroke shis beard and begins considering the cost benefits of all that insurance money ...

 

**BARCLAY (cont'd)**

Now I gotta see if I can't rustle up some of the people from the lodge to help clean this up. Then I think we might wanna check Mama's files and make sure that's the last we'll be seeing of whatever this "Yo-kai" thing was ...

(to NED)

And for the love of God, please don't let me see this one on the Internet, Ned ... !

BARCLAY finally notices TOURIST . . .

 

**BARCLAY (cont'd)**

(to group)

. . . Fellas, is there maybe something y'all've been forgetting to tell me?

 

The other three look over and finally notice TOURIST as well.

 

**DUCK**

(to BARCLAY, awkward)

Shoot. Yeah, thing is, this thing was possessing 'em when I got here? I was able to knock the mask off pretty quick, but, if I'm being honest, we thought they were dead.

 

AUBREY and NED awkwardly wave at TOURIST.

 

**NED**

(to TOURIST, awkwardly trying to sooth them)

Hey, over there. How you feelin'?

 

BARCLAY massages the bridge of his nose . . .

 

**BARCLAY**

(to DUCK)

Duck . . . we need to take care of this.

 

AUBREY's waving hand ignites reflexively with a fwoosh. She can't seem to wave it out, so DUCK discreetly nudges her arm down . . .

NED, seizing the initiative, strides confidently towards TOURIST . . .

**NED**

(to group)

Not to worry. It just so happens that I have something here for just this sort of occasion ...

 

NED grabs his wallet from his suit pocket, and presents TOURIST with a bribe of several five dollar bills and some expired coupons to Denny's.

 

**NED (cont'd)**

(hushed voice, to TOURIST)

You didn't see a thing.

 

BARCLAY gently nudges NED aside and steps in . . .

 

**BARCLAY**

(to NED, gently)

I've got this . . .

 

Reaching into his coat, BARCLAY pulls out a magical talisman. He waves it in front of TOURIST, and their vision and hearing begin to waver as they lose consciousness . . .

**BARCLAY (cont'd)**

Sorry about this ...

 

TOURIST's vision flickers and goes BLACK.

CUT TO:

**EXT. CRYPTONOMICA - DUSK**

TOURIST's eyes snap open! They're standing in the Cryptonomica parking lot! It's inexplicably dusk now, and in front of them is NED - bandaged, frazzled, singed, and wearing a completely different outfit, but still his boisterous self.

**NED**

(in character, rushed and nervous)

And so concludes our tour of the strange and mysterious world that is the Cryptonomica!

NED hurriedly escorts TOURIST to their car . . .

 

**NED (cont'd)**

(O.S. and on-screen as TOURIST looks back from him to their car)

Thank you for taking your time to brave the totally not-perilous, not-at-all life-threatening or lawsuit-inducing, but still exciting, mysteries.

TOURIST looks back at the shop. We see that the giant hole in the front has been hastily boarded up and tarped, and a haphazard sign attached that says ‘Under Renovation.’ DUCK and AUBREY are also standing by the devastation, awkwardly waving at TOURIST like everything's hunky-dory.

 

**NED (cont'd)**

(O.S. as TOURIST looks back at the Cryptonomica)

Sorry we couldn’t give you the full tour this time -

 

NED opens TOURIST's car door and practically shoves them inside.

 

**NED (cont'd)**

(O.S. and on-screen as TOURIST enters car)

\- but I assure you, we’ll be up and running again soon, so feel free to come back again.

 

NED slams the door on TOURIST, then hastily joins AUBREY and DUCK. Whispers of "I think it worked" and "We're so screwed" are heard between the three of them as they all start waving at TOURIST in a very 'Stepford Wives' fashion . . .

TOURIST starts the car and begins driving away . . .

 

**NED (cont'd)**

(to TOURIST, yelling)

And watch the roads, friend! Who knows what you'll find out there!

DUCK slaps NED's shoulder in a 'Quit trying to get us in trouble' way, as TOURIST leaves the parking lot and hits the road out of Kepler . . .

 

**EXT. FREEWAY OUT OF TOWN - CONTINUE**

TOURIST follows the scenic road out of Kepler. They pass a city sign that says ‘You are now leaving Kepler, West Virginia’ and the city motto 'Keep Kepler Beautiful.'

TOURIST looks back: there is writing on the other side of the sign: ‘Under the protection of The Pine Guard.’ The theme music begins to queue up in the background.

TOURIST reaches up to adjust their rear view mirror. In the mirror, we see their eyes . . .

And for a moment, they go pupil-less and pulsate with blue energy. They're still possessed by the Yokai!

 

**BLACK SCREEN:**

Theme song plays over credits.

 

CREDITS  


**THE END**


End file.
